"She said yes...now what?"

“She said yes…now what?”

I want to thank Jackie Belau aka the Maternity Maven for a fantastic networking event where I finally got to meet some awesome care providers and businesses that cater to women, pregnant moms, little kids, and families in the Sacramento/Placer county area. Many of these care providers are midwives and doulas who routinely ask their clients about a history of trauma whether it be childhood abuse or adult abuse. 99.99% of the time I hear that the midwives, doulas, and OBs do a good job at following up when a history of trauma is indicated by a woman in their practice, but I wanted to write this as some reassurance and suggestions and reminders about how to proceed.
First of all asking and truly listening to the response can be a very healing moment for somebody that has been through abuse. By not treating that moment as another box to check off and really actively listening you are providing unconditional positive regard and support. That can be healing in and of itself. But beyond that what are some specific things that caregivers can provide?
Ask the woman where she is in her healing process. Note that I didn’t call her a victim or ask if she had been in therapy. Not all women feel like victims or even need therapy. Some women are in denial about the effect that the abuse has had on them and starting off by using words like victim or automatically referring to therapy can push her further down the path of denial or traumatize her. Moving through abuse is truly a healing process that can take on many facets and it is important to acknowledge that there are a wide range of responses to being abused.
If a woman is struggling help her identify resources in her life. These resources could range from family and friends, a spouse or partner, a counselor, a spiritual advisor, even pets and coping skills such as journaling.
Know as a provider that it is not unusual for feelings that were thought to be resolved to re-emerge as any survivor goes through developmental milestones. Milestones such as pregnancy and children are no different. This doesn’t mean that a client is “back at square one” or there is something wrong with them. In my experience as a person evolves her understanding of significant life events also has to evolve. If those life events are very difficult ones she may need a bit of additional work or support but because she has “been there, done that” with her abuse history she will already have coping tools she can use.
Ask your client if any counseling that she had in the past was helpful or not. It isn’t always helpful. Sometimes the fit between counselor/client isn’t right or the timing is off for a woman to fully process her issues. Ask her what was helpful and what was not helpful and take the time to truly listen, as this answer will give you vital information about what the woman needs right now and how you can help her get there. Have referrals available if your client chooses counseling. Make sure the referrals are trustworthy and have some ideas about a variety of sliding fee clinics if necessary. Feel free to contact me for specific suggestions on this.
Remind her that the healthier she is the better start she can give her babies, her children, her partnership, her marriage, everything. Many women feel they are too busy to re-visit these issues and that they are selfish for “indulging” in the time and money it takes to fully process a history that has come and gone. A happier mom means a happier baby, a healthier attachment for mom and baby, a healthier attachment between father and baby, a healthier family unit and I dare say that that lays the foundation for a healthier community and world. I can’t think of a better investment of time or money. Pregnancy is a time that I refer to as “emotionally porous.” So while we absolutely work with our clients to “do no harm” and provide a safe space for them to create a new life remember that we can also plant seeds of well-being and healing that can take root and blossom.